The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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