Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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