Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I just sharted jello shots
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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