He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
