My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
