Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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