Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
