I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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