why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
