I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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