My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
