As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
