Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
