I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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