Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
