Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
