I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
