apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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