that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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