Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
