My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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