nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They took my balls.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
