watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
