just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
