just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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