i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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