Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
