My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
