guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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