like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
