Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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