Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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