apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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