this beer tastes like vomit already
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
