Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
