she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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