did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
