i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
