My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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