I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
