Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When are your genitals available?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
