Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He better not be in your backpack
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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