I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
did you just send me my own nude
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
