Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
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