Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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