So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
