my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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