i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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