Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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