my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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