dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I take back everything I said about communal showers
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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