My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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