doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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